Food is my jihad (struggle). I learned at a very early age that food was comfort. Being molested periodically from the age of 4-10 caused me to develop an intimate relationship with food. It brought me joy, it was my friend, it never hurt me, it was always there for me to put a smile on my taste buds and to make me temporarily forget my worries. It held all my secrets all the while providing me with an outlet. If I was angry, I ate something crunchy like chips; if I was sad, I ate something soft or creamy like ice cream or cake. I think that I experienced my first orgasm (or mouthgasm as I called it) with candy. It was a Now-n-Later candy that introduced me to my own drool as my mouth ran full of saliva that dripped onto my shirt. From that moment, I was hooked. It was such pleasure and distraction.
In a warped way, I use food as a weapon. I feel like consuming it not only comforts me emotionally but that it feeds my body and make it bigger and more intimidating to anyone who would ever want to harm me. It is as if my body were a nation and adding food after food after food and pound after pound after pound is my way of stockpiling weapons in preparation for a war that does not actually exist. There is no one out there just waiting for me to be fit and thinner so that they can harm me. I am no longer a child being harmed; I am big enough now even without all the fat to defend myself.
So,while I thought food was my weapon against violation, it has really been a weapon against my own body and mind. I love being a nerd, but imagine how nerdy I could be if I actually fed my brain the right foods?! Wow! I love swimming, but if I were more fit, I would be able to have endurance allowing me to swim much longer without stopping. I am only 33 and I have early arthritis in the knees, hip pain sometimes, get winded easily, get sick all the time, and live a sedentary lifestyle not much different than someone who is wheelchair-bound. Someone would kill for the legs I do not hardly even bother to use. Allah could have created humans without legs if Allah chose, but we have legs, subhanAllah.
Food is my struggle, but even more than food, my thinking is my struggle. Eating healthier foods in the correct proportions makes me think that I am missing out on something. But, I am not! I am not missing out on eating all kinds of junk that gives me temporary highs but later makes me feel guilty and sluggish. I am not missing out putting myself into an early grave one bite at a time. Thoughts are not always truthful is what I have to remind myself of...neither are feelings. I will NOT die without 2 plates of food or one plate piled high. I will NOT die if I actually fear pain from being hungry. I will NOT die if the little brat in me does not get that cookie she is kicking and screaming for. I will NOT die by making more conscious and deliberately healthy food decisions. I will NOT die.
I am not a violent person, but if my addiction to and obsession with junky foods were a person, I would SLOWLY STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF HIM/HER and feel very satisfied by doing so.
This change is very hard, but it must be done.
Courage
My journey takes courage every day even if I feel fear sometimes
Asalaamu Alaykum Dear Sister, Thank you for sharing your most intimate experience and I'm so very sorry to hear about your struggles sis. No one asks to be put in the situation you have described. While growing up you must have had to numb yourself much with something, food as you described. We do that to make ourselves feel protected, to continue to live and survive. It is our survival mode. You were not allowed to be a complete child and that my dear was not your fault. And yet, growing into an adult you saw and have expressed here that you want to take ownership of your feelings. You no longer need to cover up or protect yourself with things such as food or other addictions. Allah swt gives us all the tools for us to move forward and be complete individuals. We are given that free will to choose what is right or wrong within our abilities and circumstances. I'm so very happy that you are at a point in your life where you have come full circle to see the right choice. So happy that you are able to explore the challenge and fight against the shaytan, audho billah. Allah swt has placed all of these caring sisters in your (our) path for a reason that is grander than the body makeover challenge itself. I like how you mentioned the part about thinking how you're missing out on something when not eating what you want to eat. I have felt that way and still do often with my busy schedule. Let me revamp my eating habits to be healthier too, insha'Allah. Let's be Nadoona Strong together :)
ReplyDeleteWa 'alaykoum assalaam! Thanks for your kind words, sis'. I've done so much hard work to heal from the shame and.guilt and hating myselfand finaly feel in a good place with everything and am able to talk so openly about it all. My last struggle, my baggage, is my eating. It has been my crtuch for decades already. You are Soooo right about survival and coping. I am sure it will take a long time to undo it all and learn new healthier ways. Yes, nshaAllah, we will surely be Nadoona Strong together!! My schedule is also extremely busy, which has never helped my habits either.
ReplyDeleteThe human spirit is so amazing - it draws us to others who need to be in our life, without our even knowing. From the moment I met you (and I remember it well... the conference room, the interview...) there was something that drew me to you. I realize that your soul must have spoken to me. Nearly every word you wrote here, I could have easily written; easily. It is so close to my life experience. While not molested, I was regularly verbally abused about my appearance since the age of four by my father (the most important man in my life - whether I like it or not) and was fairly violently beaten since I was child by another family member (suffice it to say my therapist called it 'torture'). Food has been my long time friend and helped me "protect myself" from letting anyone get close or be able to "over power" me.
ReplyDeleteI write this only to say that I believe I truly understand you, and I am there for you anytime you need me. If you're having a meltdown at 2am - call me. If you need someone to come over and distract you, or, (as I sometimes feel), you need someone who understands to give you a hug or a pep talk - I'm there, cherie.
You are in my thoughts, prayers and in my heart.
Miss K, wow, your comment is so powerful!!! I am so sorry to hear about those parts of your childhood, but knowing you this short time and getting to know you more, I know that u are a fighter. Thank u so much for your support. You definitely understand and are understood, my soul sistah. You are also in my thoughts and prayers.
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