Sick but Going Strong

I have been sick but still going strong. I have not been to the gym at all this week but I worked out once. I don't have an appetite at all, but know I should eat something. So, I do.

I am so excited that I have joined an all women's gym!!! It opens on June 1st. I took a tour of the place on Tuesday and I am in love with it. It has EVERYTHING I want and in an environment where I do not have to worry about anything. It also has several things tailored for bigger women, mashaAllah!!! They will also have a ton of classes. I can't wait!

What I Want and a Healthy Me

I was asked what I want from the 2-month Nadoona Body Makeover:

 

1) I would like to experience a transformation (mind mostly and then body) during these 2 months. Even though it is called a body makeover. I know my hardest battle is with my mind, emotions, thinking. So, I am looking for a mind/body makeover. I want to be taught new ways of looking at food and dealing with food and not just told what to eat, how much, and when. I say this because once the makeover is finished and no one is telling me what to eat or do, I need to be able to make healthy decisions on my own. I want to feel empowered and confident in my own ability to make very deliberate and healthy eating decisions not just sometimes but every single time I have a snack or meal. I do not expect to get rid of my cravings and the mad tug-of-war in my head over food in two months even though that would be AWESOME! Lastly, I want to gain tools that I will use successfully for the rest of my life.

 

I was asked what my definition of healthy was and to provide an example

 

2) My definition of healthy depends on if we are talking about healthy eating, healthy thinking, healthy relationships, healthy physical activity,a or a healthy weight. All around healthy for me means that I stay away from extreme rigidity. It means balance. A healthy me looks like a woman who is size 12-14, physical fit and strong, who eats without obsession whether the obsession is on eating the right things or wrong things. A healthy me intuitively knows what portions look like and naturally follows the guidelines for healthy eating. A healthy me can even have a piece of chocolate without eating the whole bag or can have a single serving or few bites of dessert without inhaling it all and wanting more. A healthy me is physically active in a very natural way through walking, swimming and dance. A healthy me does not cope by using food.

 

 

The Smell of Warm Bean Pie

Last evening, my parents' house smelled soooo good. My nose had such a feast as my eyes were looking for what it was that smelled so delicious. I knew it smelled familiar and sweet, but I could not determine what it was. Finally, my mom asked my dad where the bean pies were and that made me think, 'Ah, yes! The lovely smell is warm bean pie.' I looked around the kitchen and did not see it, but I just stood around inhaling deeply to enjoy the aroma while I could.

We ALL love bean pie in my family, but I don't eat it now because it is far too sweet and I do not need pie of any kind even if it is made with navy beans. If you have never had bean pie, you are missing out on something wonderful. If you have never had a warm or toasted bean pie, you have never experienced heaven in your mouth. lol


Buy a bean pie just once, we buy the mini ones. Toast it upside down on a Foreman or panini grill or even stove top and your house will smell so good and the pie will taste even better.

I'm Not a Stalker

Last night, I realized that the ortho did not give me the knee brace. I planned to email him this morning when I got to work. Then, while closing my locker in the gym before leaving, my phone rang and I thought, 'don't forget to email or phone message the ortho about the brace late.' Surprise, it was the ortho calling me! I was so excited. He apologized for forgetting to put in the request for the brace and have me go get it down in the Cast Room. I told him that I had an appt this morning there anyway, and I was on my way shortly. We hung up.

When I turned to get my purse off the bench and leave, I thought, 'shoot!,' I forgot to tell him about my fall and how much more my knee is aching since last night and ask what to do about it. I was going to call, but just went on my way since it is impossible to get the doctor when you call the number back. I figured I'd just research on my own or message him later when I got to work.

I picked up my prescriptions (anti-inflammatories) for my knee, and refills on my inhalers and nose spray for allergies) and then went to the Cast Room. The guy who helped me was really nice. He put the brace on and showed me how to put it on correctly and told me to take it off before sleeping.

I left, got in the car, which was on the 2nd level of the parking structure, and reminded myself to tell the ortho about the fall, ask what to do, and also ask how tight the brace should feel. I always remind myself of things throughout the day because I am EXTREMELY forgetful. Seriously, they call me "The Absent-Minded Professor." No joke!

Anyway, as I am descending to parking lot to level one, I turn the corner and see a black man in scrubs walking with an ipod. I get closer and realize, OMG that is the ortho!!!! I pull up next to him quickly to avoid the car so close behind me hitting me and I scare the ortho. He backs up to a parked car quickly and looks totally caught off guard. I roll down the window and wave and say, "HIIIIII!!!" He takes his earpieces off, looks into my passenger window and says, "Oh, hi there!" So, I put my emergency lights on, put the car in park and jump out. He nervously comes over to my side of the car and I pull my leg out and ask if th brace is the right way. He showed me how to know if it was in the right place. Then, I asked him about the pain I am having after the fall last night. He said that I should have put ice on it and that I may fall again if I do not assist myself up with my arm instead of putting weight on my knee. We talked a little more about things I can do and then we said our goodbyes. Then, he turned around and laughing said, "and please stop following me!" I cracked up. It was hilarious! The way I swooped up on him probably could have seemed like I was waiting around the corner for him or something. This all gave me a good laugh this morning. I needed it. I also love all the syncing (synchronicity) in it all..me thinking about calling/emailing...him calling...me thinking about emailing/calling...then, seeing him so randomly in the parking structure.

I don't believe in coincidences, but I am NOT a stalker.

Cotton Candy is NOT My Friend

I have always loved cotton candy. It is something I rarely have but thoroughly enjoy. It puts a smile on my face and makes me feel like a kid at the fair. I was offered some cotton candy (including the yellow flavor that is my FAVE) and I almost ate it. I held it in my hand for several minutes and the internal dialogue in my head got louder and louder. Just before eating it, the highest part of me said, "You will love it while you are eating it but you will hate it after its done. The serving was 110 and the container had 7 servings. Two months ago, I would have eaten the entire container or at least 3/4 of it. But, mashaAllah, today I sat the cotton candy down, said my almost tearful goodbye, and walked away without a second glance. I learned that cotton candy pretends to be my friend but it is my enemy.

I am proud of this accomplishment. It seems so small, but if you know me and my love of cotton candy, you know that it is no small thing that I did not eat it.

BIG ups to me! :-)

Patellar Tendonitis

I went to the ortho today. I don't know why I thought my knee would feel better just by finally seeing him. I had so much I was planning to write about the visit today, but now I am just really pissed off because I was holding my baby while sitting down, and when I tried to stand up, my knee pain was excruciating and I fell to the ground. AlhamduliAllah, one arm was still able to hold on to her but she still woke up from the jolt and screamed and screamed. I felt helpless. It sucked, and now I can't trust my knee when it comes to holding her when I am sitting down. Either I will have to stand up, put her down before getting up, just not holding her instead of letting her sleep in my arms, or waking her up and sit her down before getting up. Whatever.

Got My Arse Nutritionally Handed to Me Tonight

The truth hurts sometimes! I feel like I just got spanked. But, alhamduliAllah, I like it. On my webinar tonight, I learned about meal exchanging for like foods. I also learned that my weekend was a nutritional bomb. In my ignorance, I thought that I did a pretty good job handling my decision-making. However, I now know that I have to be better prepared for time away from home. My meal plan has been designed specifically for me and I need to use the exchange list when making changes instead of choosing different things to eat right now.

In the webinar, I got know how some of my students have felt when I anonymously use their paper or assignment as an example for the class. While the student knows I am talking about her/his assignment and I also know, no one else knows. I have only ever thought about the benefit to the class and that student when doing this, not how the student might feel. When I see glaring mistakes on an assignment, I know that I would be careless to not address them and help the student become better and avoid such mistakes in the future.

In school, I have always been the top student having my papers or assignments used as examples of what TO do not of what NOT to do, so tonight was all new for me. In using my weekend food logs as examples in the webinar, my Nadoona teachers taught me that turkey bacon is not a good protein. Seems simply enough, right? Now, I get that it is not about just having protein or carbs or fat, it is about having the good kinds. I learned that although I thought my choice of baked chicken over fried chicken was enough, I could have made sure to only eat white meat pieces instead of a mix of white and dark meat. (note to self: look up which pieces of meat are white and dark meat). I learned that I really should have chosen on the multigrain waffle instead of the hash brown instead of both. Heck, I should have even bought wheat bread instead of the waffles. So, instead of a C- for the weekend, I have an F. It sucks big butt, too! But, alhamduliAllah, I am learning through these mistakes.

While I failed in some critical areas this weekend, I recognize and celebrate the small victories and progress. I go out of town again at the end of the month; nshaAllah, I will be armed with my exchange list. At the point where I am now, I know that I need the structure of the meal plan tailored just for me.

Overeating vs. Restrictive Eating vs. Intuitive Eating

Instinctive Eating Cycle
Why do I eat? -  Hunger
When do I eat? - When I'm hungry
What? - Whatever I want
How? - Intentionally
How much? - Enough to satisfy hunger
Where? - Living my life

Overeating Cycle
Why? - Triggers
When? - External or emotional cues
What? - Tempting or comfort foods
How? - Mindlessly, quickly, or secretly
How much? - Until food is gone or I'm uncomfortable
Where? - Excess fuel is stored

Restrictive Eating Cycle
Why? - Rules
When? - According to the rules
What? - "Good" or allowed foods
How? - Rigidly
How much? - Allowed amount
Where? - Energy is spent on diet and exercise

I used to be in the overeating area and now I am in the restrictive eating stage. I plan to stay here until I can reset my brain and handle how my emotions trigger food cravings and how I respond. I do not know how long I will practice restrictive eating, but I do look forward to being able to make the healthiest choices and intuitively knowing my portion sizes. MashaAllah to restrictive eating and nshaAllah to intuitive eating in the future.

Yumz!: My Skinny Cuban Dinner

Pollo Vasco, Mojo sin Yuca, and Green Bean Salad

Keeping Food Warm/Cold: Zojirushi Stainless Steel Food Jar

http://www.amazon.com/Zojirushi-SL-JAE14-Bento-Stainless-Steel/dp/B000246GSE/ref=sr_1_11?s=kitchen&ie=UTF8&qid=1337026904&sr=1-11

I was hoping for something like this to exist, and today at lunch, my homegirl mentioned it. I HATE the microwave at work with the passion and only pack cold lunches, but sandwiches are getting old really quickly. I want to bring real meals for lunch and save sandwiches for lazy days. This system will let me do it.

I am thinking of waiting until fall to by it since I don't like to eat warm food too much in this summer heat, but I will wait and see how many more times I feel like I wished I had this for a warm meal at work.

I Keep Thinking of What I Could Have Done Better

I did pretty well over the weekend, but that hyper-critical part of me who used to be a crazed perfectionist, keeps reminded me of my slip-ups (like with the turkey bacon). But, I keep looking at this to remind me.

I am not going to miraculously never have a small setback or even a bigger setback but taking leaps forward and one step back sounds pretty darn good to me. I have to keep giving myself and Allah credit by really remembering how the weekend would have gone before my outlook changed. SubhanAllah.

5 Ways to Control Food Cravings

5 ways to control cravings

When a craving for unhealthy foods hits, it can be almost impossible to resist. It may seem that your body "needs" this food and won't let you rest until you satisfy your craving. This strong desire to overeat fat, sugar, and salt is called "conditioned hypereating."

Learn to ride out your urge to splurge by following these suggestions:

Distract yourself.
Do an errand, talk to a friend, or work on a project that requires your full attention. The craving period will pass more easily if you don't fixate on it.

Move your mouth.
Chomp on healthy snacks such as raw vegetables, an apple, or a piece of sugar-free gum. Sometimes we just have the urge to chew, and you can fill your mouth without loading up on calories.

Think about what you’re really craving.
Is it sweets? Grab some fruit. Something crunchy? Try celery with peanut butter. Want salty? Baked chips or low-fat popcorn might do the trick.

Walk away.
Remove yourself from the area of temptation. Get out of the kitchen, move away from the buffet table, leave the bakery. Just seeing tempting foods can prompt the desire to eat something.

Work out to work through it.
Go for a walk or get some other type of exercise. You'll avoid overeating and burn some calories while you're at it.

You can still fit in your favorite foods as part of a healthy diet. But learning to curb cravings will help you avoid giving in when a craving hits, so you feel more in control of what you eat and when.

Tips for Emotional Eating

If you're feeling...	Try this instead of eating
angry	Blast your favorite music and dance around the living room. Go for a run or brisk walk to work out your frustrations.
bored	Try out some new exercise videos (check the library for a great free selection). Take a class or look online to learn a new activity or craft. Write a letter or email.
lonely	Call or meet up with a friend. Go to a crowded public space like a café or a bookstore.
stressed	Do stretches, yoga, or tai chi. Go for a walk or hike in a quiet place. Practice meditation or relaxation techniques.

Awww, My After-Visit Notes from Visiting with My CHE

From my visit on May 10th, I just got the online notes to patient. I did not read the copy he gave me even though we went over it. He is totally Team Me, mashaAllah!!!!

I also just realized that from my MD visit on April 27th to my visit with the RD on May 10th, I lost 8 lbs!!!! Awesomeness!!

"Positives noted:
- present today, health and healthier weight important
- recognizing use of food as coping mechanism
- success with losing weight in the past
- drinking excellent amount of water
- eating less chocolate
- connecting w/ other Muslim women on same weight loss journey
- planning ahead
- using assertive communication
- less inhibited about accountability
- not eating out this past week, planning ahead
- positive self-talk
- palette is maturing
- wearing swimsuit, going to gym
- and the list goes on and on... :)

Recommendations:
- keep food diary (doing)
- continue limit eating out
- healthier choices when eating out
- increase nonstarchy vegetables
- continue to approach sweets in a healthful manner
- contnue w/ exercising
- keep "living list" of successes

PLAN:
- To exercise at least 3 times per week for at least 30 min (M, W, F)
- To keep food diary consistently and bring at least one week's worth to follow-up appointment.
- Weight Management Support Group - next one is June 11, 6-7:30pm
- Follow-up 4 weeks B.L., LCSW.
- Follow-up 4 weeks this RD.

Patient aware of ways to contact RD via Kp.org or (909) 609-3000.

Ben B., RD
Health Education, Kaiser"

Sweet Potato Pie: It is All about Intention

My husband is so cute, mashaAllah. He is being super-supportive to me.

On Saturday night, he and my best friend were going to have ice cream for dessert after the Cuban dinner. I felt a little weird and wondered how I would feel when I would see them eating their dessert and I did not have any. I waited in the car while my husband got the ice creams. When he came to car, he had a big smile on his face and said, "I got this for you, hayati, so you don't feel left out and you can have dessert too." It was a mini sweet potato pie.

I wondered why he would get me pie when I am trying not have any sweets. Then I saw that it was sweet potato and realized that since sweet potatoes were on my meal plan, that is the reason he got it. It was so cute. I knew I would not eat it because even though it was sweet potato, it probably had butter, eggs, and all kinds of sugar and fat.

I did not eat the pie, did not have dessert, and did not see them eat their desserts. So, I did not even think about it all. What a blessing!

Who knew the day would come that I would not NEED dessert after dinner when out of town for the weekend. Either way, the fact that my husband even thought about my feelings when it came to them having ice cream and me not having anything, it was just so sweet. The simplest things are the most memorable and heartwarming.

Day 5-7

I was so nervous about staying on my food plan while I was out of this town this weekend.

I knew that my best friend, an amazing Cuban Muslim woman, loves to cook us Cuban feasts when we go out there. Before my changes, we had planned for a full, greasy, and fattening night of Cuban food (so fattening because I LOVE frituras de maiz [they are like fried sweet corn dumplings]).

Anyway, I practiced my new assertiveness surrounding my food and asked her if she could make us a "skinny Cuban dinner." She did make us a healthy Cuban dinner, mashaAllah. And you know what? It was still just as delicious as a more fattening version. I did feel like something was missing. We went to buy yuca at the store and they were all out so instead of "yuca con mojo," we had "mojo sin yuca!" lol!!! It was good anyway. Thinking about it now, the only other thing I would have asked if I thought about it was to have platano maduro but not fried in oil just baked.

We had pollo vasco, mojo, green bean salad, and avocado salad. We usually ALWAYS have dessert from or at least make one run to the famous Cuban bakery in Glendale, Porto's. I am so proud to say that I did not even miss having dessert or having anything from Porto's.

On the way out of town, I made another great choice for food on the go that I knew I would enjoy once I saw it. I had a tortilla-less veggie and grilled chicken bowl that was awesome. The only downside is that I could tell it had more salt than I am used to having. Had I not already had a turkey sandwich for lunch I would have taken one with me on the road instead of eating out.

The bigger test was Saturday morning breakfast, she still made the amazing breakfast but I was really good with my portions, but I could have had just 1 multigrain waffle instead of one even though 2 was the serving size. I had 2 strips of turkey bacon, egg white, multigrain waffles, and 1 hash brown. I could have also gone without the has brown but had it anyway, so I would not have 'what would it have tasted like?' on my brain all day.

I was not good about having my snacks between meals but I guess that is because my meals were a bit bigger than I have gotten used to during week 1.

Oh, man, for lunch I wanted some wings with bbq, honey sauce, and some other sauce I don't remember. I am such a sauce girl. Correction: I WAS such a sauce girl. AlhamduliAllah, I glanced over and saw baked chicken instead. I bought a salad at trader joe's earlier in the morning and my best friend got lettuce and tomatoes and I made the trader joe's single serve salad into enough for more than 3 servings by adding the other lettuce and tomatoes to it with some balsamic vinaigrette. I did not use the dressing from the trader joe's salad because the package said 850 sodium!!!! WTH!?

Anyway, Sunday morning I did have too much turkey bacon. I loved the burned pieces and there happened to be four. So, I ate them all. Plus, it was Mother's Day. Seriously though, these are just the excuses that I used to eat what I wanted. I will do better next time, nshaAllah.

All in all, I had a pretty successful weekend away, especially considering all the crap that I normally eat. Plus, I went for a short walk around the area with Suheylah Sunday morning.

The weekend away was so nice and well-needed. Three days away felt like a week, mashaAllah. Today, it is back to the grind.

Triumphant: My Mind's Theme Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIBJ9vZTelg

The lyrics are so deep and touch me in all the right places!

Triumphant by Kelly Love Jones is my mind's current theme song. It is my daily reminder as I listen to it on repeat on the way to and from the gym to work. It lifts my spirit so high and reminds me of my goal and target. As they say, it helps keep my eyes on the prize.

Triumphant~~~Triumphant~~~Triumphant

The Fight Song: My Body's New Theme Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsz4BYiv3-o&feature=fvst

A Cure for the Lunch-Time Blues

A colleague at Pitzer Colleger decided to come on over to eat with me at the last minute and it was so nice!! I finally did not have to eat my healthy lunch by myself. She brought her lunch of potatoes, herbs, mushrooms, and escargot. I had my sandwich and banana. We talked and had fun and then my other colleague joined us toward the end. She brought Costco pizza. OMG, it smelled so good but not good enough for me to salivate or fixate on it. AlhamduliAllah.

I really missed the social interactions with colleagues during lunch and lunch today showed me that I can still stick to my plan and have social time with them. One colleague said she was really proud of what i am doing and she thinks my progress will help inspire her. NshaAllah, I will!

I think I have decided that I will bring my lunch for 4 days per week and allow myself to go out one day and choose healthy options. I just love getting away from work, but sitting out in the patio today did feel a little like an escape.

Day 4

Day 4 was not so hard. I still experienced hunger, but I am much more comfortable with it. I am also not dreading so much all the food prep I have to do at night, especially after my CHE (certified health educator) reminded me of the two things that he has seen successful weight losers do: 1) keep a food log EVERY day and 2) prep ALL meals for the next day. So, it was a great reminder and reinforcement.

It was so AWESOME to see me mental progress since April 18 when I last saw the CHE. My questionnaire answers showed a woman who felt defeated and hopeless at ever being able to lose weight and get fit but still had the desire to give it a good go. It detailed all the junk I ate when I quit the juice fasting. It showed ZERO physical activity and too much chocolate. I was so proud of myself to be able to report that I exercised Monday AND Wednesday and that I had ZERO chocolate sine Monday and no other sweets either. Life is SWEET! I felt so high like I had just conquered the world after that meeting. I will see him again next month to report progress, nshaAllah.

Last night at home, I realized that I missed nuts as I saw my mom cracking into roasted peanuts. My favorite are roasted almonds, but I also like many other types except Brazil nuts and macadamia. Yuk!

I felt really good about Day 4, and I was so happy not to have carried the evening of Day 3 into it. AlhamduliAllah.

Another Member Added to TEAM ME!!! MashaAllah

My CHE gave MAD props to the warriors at Nadoona for having a brilliant strategy to weight loss and fitness and for helping me make such drastic changes in my eating, exercising, and outlook in just a few days.

I had a great appointment with him and set my goal with him to "exercise at least 3x per week for at least 30 minutes." On the confidence scale regarding my success with this goal, I placed it at 9 out of 10. The obstacles that make this a 9 instead of a 10 are my dysthymia and PTSD that when I am down really affect my physical energy. BUT, I am hoping that the exercise I am doing will help me not dip so low when that cloud comes to hang over me for a few days. nshaAllah.

I also listed as my plan to overcome the obstacles:
-right on my blog, talk to my husband about my feelings, ask for encouragement and even ask him to come with me to the gym or for a walk.

The resources to pull from I listed as: Allah, my husband, my daughter, and myself.

I listed my rewards for sicking to my goal as: satisfaction, fitness, and building endurance. He suggested that I have a tangible reward that is not food. So, I decided to finally buy the black pants I have wanted as a tangible reward.

Practicing Courage

Today is my tomorrow.

Feeling Like Gum on the Bottom of Someone's Shoes

I feel like a total drama queen for having a crying fit a little while ago. I was (and still am) just so upset at myself. I had an awful reality check that my right knee issue is really serious and that I am I cannot even lift my own weight off the ground. It is depressing.

There is a resistance training guide I need to follow 3x per week on my Nadoona plan, and I thought that it would be no problem physically. Oh boy, did I get a rude awakening tonight. I was so excited to finally have time in the evening to get my strength training in. With each of the 7 exercises I attempted, I failed. Just getting on the floor made my right knee give out and I fell in excruciating pain. That alone, made me cry because the pain was so intense. But then, being on my knees hurt like hell on my right knee. I have not tried a squat outside of water in very long because I know I have mild arthritis and I get pains. However, with this baker cyst thing the doctor says I have on my right knee, things seem so much worse than I even imagined.

How could I have been so out of touch with my body, its current abilities, and its current limitations. Then, I think that, duh, of course I am out of touch with my body; when was the last time I even exercised or exerted real physical energy before I went to the gym on Monday. A year? Maybe even more? Ok, not quite true, I do remember being on the treadmill sometime in 2011. Anyway, I thought I had already eaten all the humble pie left in my kitchen, but I'll be damned if there was not an extra big slice hidden in the fridge that I was served COLD tonight.

Ahhh, just writing this all out is making me feel a little better. I wont be able to sleep if I remain this upset. I have to accept my physical reality as it is. I should be thankful that Ive woken up from this dream. It just hurts so much right now, so much that the saboteur in me (shaytan's partner in crime) is telling me that I should just give up now as not to make a fool of myself because I won't succeed anyway if I cannot even do basic strength training. AlhamduliAllah, I know that these are lies. That trickery would have worked before, but not anymore. Maybe in the morning, I won't feel so raw. NshaAllah. Ya Allah, continue to help me and raise me above my madness.

Najah (Success) or Bust!!

Qur'an 2:187 "They Are Your Garments and You Their Garments"

....They are your garments and ye are their garments...



I am so thankful as I stop to think about how my husband is supporting me so much in my efforts. He loves ice cream and sweets and can eat pretty much whatever he wants and gain a little but take it off so quickly. Before embarking on this journey, I explained my intentions to him and he listened. One of the simplest but best things he has said to me was his questions, "Hayati, what can I do to help you with this? What do you want me to do to help you stick to it?"

SubhanAllah, I had often felt lonely when trying to change my eating habits on my own but I see him eat ice cream or chocolate or something else that I also like but was trying not to have. So, knowing that he was so invested in my success this time around made me feel so great. He went grocery shopping for all the foods on my Nadoona-approved list, he went to buy the food scale at the last minute when I forgot all about it, etc. I love love love that he is eating very similarly to me these last three days and he is thinking of healthier options for eating out and spending time with friends. I LOVE that I have not been tortured by seeing him with things that I want to eat.

I cannot say what he eats at work or when I am not around, but he is incredibly supportive around me, including encouraging me to wake up so early leaving the baby with him so that I can go swimming before work (it is too crowded if I wait until after work, plus I would not even go if I had all day to talk myself out of it!). Having him on Team Me makes this MUCH easier even though it is still a struggle. AlhamduliAllah for him and his support and understanding. May Allah reward him heavily.

A Reminder to Keep the Faith and Follow My Vision

I dream of being healthier and more fit, especially to be an active mom to my daughter. So, now I am daring to make it a reality for myself one day at a time through my belief and actions.

Day 3 Lunch-Time Struggle

My colleagues and I LOVE to go out to lunch just about every day, so bringing my own healthy lunch has limited my social interactions with them. I can tell that they feel it too. I miss our lunches together cracking up and venting. However, I do not miss stuffing my face not even realizing how much I am eating because I am so enthralled with the conversation.

Today, temptation tapped me on the shoulder again. One colleague emailed a groupon for my favorite Lebanese joint nearby. Then, just being reminded of the food made me crave it so viciously. Then, another colleague wrote that she also was craving it and it sounded like a good lunch plan for today. She then came to me and asked if I brought mu lunch again. Another colleague did the same. On any other day before this makeover, I would have literally jumped to go eat there for lunch. But, I stuck to my guns and said I could not go and I would eat my lunch here. I felt sad about it for just a second until I thought about how the food there is so good but sometimes too salty, that is is a buffet and i would SURELY binge. I also thought about how I would feel afterward: tired, guilty, upset. So, I tore into my sandwich and banana instead. It was so delicious I have almost forgotten about the Lebanese lunch that could have been but wasn't. lol

Disaster avoided, mashaAllah. ShukruliAllah, for the small victories each day.

Oh yeah, I went to the gym again this morning to swim!!! Here is the super-fly suit I wear:
I swam, lifted water weights, did water squats and also did jumping jacks in the water. I had a blast! The two guys I saw on Monday there greeted me this morning; it made me feel like a regular already. :-)

Day 2

Boy, was I moody by the time I got home. I was hungry and tired and had to prepare my lunch for today and then cook food for the rest of the week to keep on my meal plan. After I did it all, it was not really that bad. I was so happy to see my dinner plate. I just about scraped it clean. AlhamduliAllah, I felt so satisfied that I did not even need a snack before sleeping.

I made my intention to wake up early to swim at the gym again. I packed my things and told myself that I was going no matter how I would try to talk myself out of it in the morning.

With Day 2 completed, I felt good. MashaAllah.

Day 2 Lunch-Time Struggle

I almost had a moment today at lunch, but Allah is with me. 

I was really dying for salad with cranberries and sunflower seeds and my usual (tangerines, balsamic vinaigrette, and beet strips). I got it, sat to eat it, took one bite while staring at my turkey sandwich I SHOULD have been eating, ...and even though it is my FAVE salad, it tasted literally like butt cheeks or something weird like that. It was AWFUL but great at the same time. :-) It taught me that even though Allah gave me chance after chance to resist, Allah still stepped in after I failed and changed the taste of it or changed how my brain perceived the taste of my fave salad. Suddenly, my turkey sandwich looked and tasted the BOMB! AlhamduliAllah!

Man, that taught me a good lesson. I was so sure I was about to really dig in in that moment of weakness.

Day 1

It was harder than I thought it would be. It seems that it is easier for me to fast completely or juice fast than it is to eat properly proportioned meals at regular intervals. But, hey, at least I went to the gym for the first time in like a year! I got my swim on. It was sooo nice. I arrived at 5:25am and swam until 6:05am, showered, and then went to work.

It was so funny to see just how anxious I was to walk in the gym. I saw just thin, fit people on all the ellipticals and treadmills and also lifting weights. Subconsciously, I zoomed in on two thicker girls and felt a bit more at ease. WTH?! Gyms are no less for people like me than for thin people. It was strange to see how i felt like I was intruding on other people's turf. By the end of this Nadoona Body Makeover Challenge, that gym is going to MY turf too.

So, I think I was painfully hungry all day partially due to finally working out. My body was having a tantrum wondering why I was working out and eating right all in one day. I also felt a little sadness during the day, especially at lunch because what I prepared was nothing to get excited about--a turkey sandwich and banana. Interestingly, I learned that when i have prepped turkey sandwiches in the past, I had them far too loaded with turkey meat, avocado, too much mustard or bbq sauce, and whatever else. I am fascinated (not always in a nice way) to see how different normal portion sizes for the day differed from how much I would normally eat. Goodness! I must have been eating like an Olympian as far as caloric intake is concerned.

My dinner made me happy because the chicken breast and sweet potato I made were delish! I also had a slice of bread and leftover tomato from lunch that i sprinkled Mrs. Dash and vinegar on. Oh, how i love vinegar. Even though dinner and my snack of Kellogg's cracker chips made me happy, I am excited for the day when I do not relate emotions with food. I want food to just be fuel and sustenance instead of something that can make me sad or happy. NshaAllah, that day is coming.

My Jihad

Food is my jihad (struggle). I learned at a very early age that food was comfort. Being molested periodically from the age of 4-10 caused me to develop an intimate relationship with food. It brought me joy, it was my friend, it never hurt me, it was always there for me to put a smile on my taste buds and to make me temporarily forget my worries. It held all my secrets all the while providing me with an outlet. If I was angry, I ate something crunchy like chips; if I was sad, I ate something soft or creamy like ice cream or cake. I think that I experienced my first orgasm (or mouthgasm as I called it) with candy. It was a Now-n-Later candy that introduced me to my own drool as my mouth ran full of saliva that dripped onto my shirt. From that moment, I was hooked. It was such pleasure and distraction.

In a warped way, I use food as a weapon. I feel like consuming it not only comforts me emotionally but that it feeds my body and make it bigger and more intimidating to anyone who would ever want to harm me. It is as if my body were a nation and adding food after food after food and pound after pound after pound is my way of stockpiling weapons in preparation for a war that does not actually exist. There is no one out there just waiting for me to be fit and thinner so that they can harm me. I am no longer a child being harmed; I am big enough now even without all the fat to defend myself.

So,while I thought food was my weapon against violation, it has really been a weapon against my own body and mind. I love being a nerd, but imagine how nerdy I could be if I actually fed my brain the right foods?! Wow! I love swimming, but if I were more fit, I would be able to have endurance allowing me to swim much longer without stopping. I am only 33 and I have early arthritis in the knees, hip pain sometimes, get winded easily, get sick all the time, and live a sedentary lifestyle not much different than someone who is wheelchair-bound. Someone would kill for the legs I do not hardly even bother to use. Allah could have created humans without legs if Allah chose, but we have legs, subhanAllah.

Food is my struggle, but even more than food, my thinking is my struggle. Eating healthier foods in the correct proportions makes me think that I am missing out on something. But, I am not! I am not missing out on eating all kinds of junk that gives me temporary highs but later makes me feel guilty and sluggish. I am not missing out putting myself into an early grave one bite at a time. Thoughts are not always truthful is what I have to remind myself of...neither are feelings. I will NOT die without 2 plates of food or one plate piled high. I will NOT die if I actually fear pain from being hungry. I will NOT die if the little brat in me does not get that cookie she is kicking and screaming for. I will NOT die by making more conscious and deliberately healthy food decisions. I will NOT die.

I am not a violent person, but if my addiction to and obsession with junky foods were a person, I would SLOWLY STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF HIM/HER and feel very satisfied by doing so.

This change is very hard, but it must be done.

Bi IsmiAllah!

Bi ismiAllah (in the name of God), I embark upon this journey to health and fitness for myself, my Lord, and my baby girl.

I have done great things with the wonderful brain that Allah has given me, but I have neglected the body that is a divine vessel used to carry the brain I so cherish. Periodically, I realize that not taking care of my body with healthy foods and exercise is like a slap in the face of God because it is taking for granted what I have been given and also shortening this lifetime.

Before embarking on journeys or completing tasks, we say "bi ismiAllah" to recognize that what we are doing is in God's Name and with the best of intentions. At this time in my life, I have been provided an answer to my prayers in the form of Nadoona.com and the fabulous ladies there. I wanted some kind of fitness program that would tie into my faith so I would feel more compelled to follow it and make changes that stick.

Since October 27, 2007, I have carried a hadith in my wallet: Sahih al Bukhari  reported that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh [peace and blessings upon him]) said, "the stomach is the origin of every disease and abstinence is the epitome of every remedy. So make this your custom." I've carried this with me for almost 5 years hoping that it would work a miracle on me and somehow sink into my heart and mind. Allah truly does help those who help themselves, and I have started a new journey to health and wellness, nshaAllah, with the help of the Nadoona crew! I'm trying to be like Fergie and "workin' on my fitness" in hopes of becoming NADOONA STRONG!



May Allah guide my eyes, emotions, and thoughts not to fool my stomach into hunger. May Allah grant me steadfastness in this journey to fitness and increase my energy and iman. May Allah help me to crush the PTSD that has for so long caused me to stuff myself with food in order to relieve the stress and emotional warfare inside. May Allah resurrect my inner warrior woman who dances and runs with the wolves without fear of the inner saboteur who thinks that I need layers of fat on my body to keep me safe and free from violence. May Allah help me to shed the thinking that my fat somehow protects me. May Allah grant me victory and sustained success! Amin!